Fox with a secret

The family

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 06:20:16 GMT

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 02:01:38 GMT

I've spent an entire year living my life for another person and now that I don't have to anymore, I don't know what to do with myself. He kisses another girl and as much as I want to hate him, I don't and I feel like the weakest person for being unsure about what to do. Is it more important to be weak but happy or to be strong and miserable?

The thing with relationships is when people fuck up, things dont ever go back to the way they were and because of that, is it really worth it to try again? I'm so afraid of losing my bestfriend but in reality I think i've already lost him.
A part of me feels like I deserved this. A really big part of me. I spent 4 years in high school fucking with people, more like one person, because I was so ridiculously selfish and oblivious. I'm sorry. I blamed every mistake I made on other people and justified them with the fact that I was unhappy. Besides maybe karma though, I don't blame myself for this. I was a really legit girlfriend.

Maybe i'll get an apartment this summer in Austin or Maryland. I can't wait to get out of Chicago. Next it's California, South Carolina or Thailand depending on where I get in. yeah.

we're getting married

Mon, 28 May 2007 00:15:38 GMT

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 05:02:58 GMT

I'm in love

i can't sleep

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 07:06:02 GMT

I've spent all this time thinking how great this is and how happy I am but everyday that it gets better, it approaches the worst possible ending. What was I thinking?! I'm graduating in 3 months and my hearts gonna be broken. Why am I so stupid to get involved when i could have so easily avoided it. I'm not one who believes in or would try a long distance relationship especially when we're both young and getting ready to start new lives but i wanna cry thinking about him kissing someone else...UGHH. why now? why so late?

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 00:37:54 GMT

I'm starting to blush like I did in the 9th grade and sometimes its like my throat could close up...i dont know if its a good thing to like someone this much or not...

thank goodness for the new year

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 01:05:38 GMT

I met a boy who plays the guitar, sings blackbird and kissed me when I wasn't looking...my dreams don't even feel this good

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 07:37:46 GMT

i got into college. oh my god im going to college. i love boys and im going to college

halloween in da fe

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 02:32:45 GMT

i pray for the butterfly effect

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 20:59:31 GMT

So our soccer team made it to the state chamionships and when the referee blew his whistle and motioned his hand toward the winning team; not my team, I saw my teammates start to cry and I sort of felt the same. I mean it was that last time i would ever play the game i've played and loved since I was 7, but everyone on the team was crying because they were leaving a team they'd been on since 8th grade and i couldn't cry for that. I spent the rest of highschool with completely different people.So i started to cry because I won't be able to say my goodbyes with the right people...I'll be here with the people who don't know me, who don't know how i've grown or changed. i'll listen to the class president make the closing speech at graduation, reflecting on all the memories and I won't be in them. We'll throw our hats and hug and cry but what can i cry for? i mean fuck, im ready to get the hell out of highschool...It's not like I'll be crying for the loss of highschool academics, most of my classes were pure bullshit and you could see the teachers knew that. So I cry now because i let me parents do this to me and to my sisters and I say its ok because if i say it isn't, it doesn't stop, it just then becomes more visually painful.

My sisters call home everyday either in tears, on the verge of tears, or with drying tears because they want to come home and so my mom asked me what it is that makes her children so dependent. For the first time I told her the truth, that when you move almost every year of your life, you learn to detatch yourself from others and to not get attatched at all but because our family is all we have during every move, we attatch ourselves completely to the only thing we can. She told me to shut up, because what i was saying was rediculous.

I tell people this is my thirteenth move and they say wow how amazing, you must be so strong. I'm not strong. Im actually pretty weak and pretty guarded. I'm pretty fickle and crave adventure/change to an unhealthy degree. I also really fear change. I have a hard time falling in love because there's this clock in my head and it always seems to be ticking faster.

I'm avoiding college applications right now because i don't see any closing...my parents don't cry when they think about me moving, i don't cry either because i feel like a freshman. There is no difference between my beginnings and my endings and Im finding it hard to cope. I want to start my future and end my past on my own terms for once.

I like the taste...

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 01:51:26 GMT

I'm dating a paramedic, it snowed in the mountians the other day, and my trampoline is finally up...my life is kinda complete and kinda completely great.

"Not that i would know or want to know about!"

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 02:15:37 GMT

Well it's pretty much what I thought it would be. I don't want to be mad at my parents because really my family is all i have here. I am sooo good at pretending to be happy,but truthfully my car is the only thing that keeps me going. And the guy...what a babe. It's just such a bad feeling not knowing what to do during passing periods because you have nothing in common with any of the people here.

So Santa Fe goes something like this..

"So there are like 3 guys that do coke and then there are the people who are like so intense about school and then theres me and my friends."
"so what do you typically do on weekends?"
"Ummmmm"
"Are there parties ever?"
"not that i would know or want to know about!"
"yeah defenitely not, i was just curious..."

Atleast because of the INCREDIBLY SLOW speed limits i get to spend more time in my car without spending as much money. Yay for Santa Fe

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 02:40:26 GMT

The good old days...I guess we find comfort in what we were. We spend all this time trying to change and grow to only end up wishing we had never changed at all.
I miss 11:11 and red convertable and dreaming and blah blah. I think we all need it, life is too much to live without it.

So i guess im going back to that or maybe it never really left me.
Who was I kidding...that was always me.

I need to talk

love always...

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 06:26:24 GMT

lovers

The venting, confused, spoiled brat

Sat, 06 May 2006 05:30:32 GMT

So i've finally tormented myself enough to once again seek solace in livejournal.

I'm moving...for the millionth time and for the first. And you'd think I'd have it covered, no big deal, but this feels selfishly, significantly bigger than any move.

I have spent my life adapting to change, disconnecting myself from the places I've lived and finding superficial or artificial means of happiness. Except now.

This time I believed we were done. That i was free. Free to settle in, sink in, bathe in Austin and Austen. Four years is by far the longest I've ever lived in a place and at first I felt mad about it. My "instability clock" was ticking or rather frantically beeping in my ear. The alarm was yelling "run away, start over, regress," but this time I was stuck and for the first time I was forced to resolve my issues and keep going and thus was forced to find real happiness.

Goshh this should be nothing. I am in high school and I am graduating in a year anyway and yet I soak in the anxiety of change. I'm thrown all the damn curve balls while everyone seems to still get the under arm tosses. I was ready for life to get a little easier. One victory leads to another battle and I'm losing the desire to win.

I guess life has something bigger in store for me than an AKH big sister and semi juvenile delinquent and it better be fucking phenomenal for making me go to a school of 50 students.
-VCSB